


Stop

by SoDoRoses (FairyChess)



Series: LAOFT Extras [46]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Asthma, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Repressing your emotions in deeply unhealthy ways, magical compulsion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-08-10 13:42:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20136382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FairyChess/pseuds/SoDoRoses
Summary: Sometimes? You really do just have to cry it out.





	Stop

**Author's Note:**

> from many prompts (though this time its just cuz these were very similar:
> 
> "Did it take Patton awhile to get out of his habit of "telling" himself? Did/does he ever slip up?" from a nonnie on tumblr
> 
> “Does Patton remember the first time he used his voice? Like that time with his mom and the juice? Does he ever have nightmares about it — or about any of the other times? ((Highkey scavenging for some sweet sweet Patton hurt/comfort lmao))” from another nonnie
> 
> “Okay but can we have a small bit of patton fluff now? Bc pat deserves happiness. All of these boys deserve happiness” from [ @hemooryctolagus ](hemooryctolagus.tumblr.com)
> 
> “how many flowers would it take to get a hurt/comfort fic where Patton goes non verbal and his boyf’s comfort him? After Muzzle, I could use some good fluff lol.” from [ @radioactivehelena ](radioactivehelena.tumblr.com)
> 
> and
> 
> “…after The Boyfriends™️ find out that Patton is telling himself to do things, does he struggle breaking the habit? Do the others have to remind him to stop?” from [ @hexatrash ](hexatrash.tumblr.com)

“Hey, Sanders,”

Logan sighed, and Patton winced in sympathy.

“What? A guy can’t say hello?”

“Fuck _off_, Harris,” spat Roman.

“Someone’s pissy today,”

“Roman,” said Patton, “Let’s- we can just go,”

“Indeed,” said Logan bitterly, “I can think of nearly innumerable amount of things I would rather do than continue to have this neanderthal’s presence imposed upon me,”

He shut his locker, and reached out for Patton’s hand. Patton took it, smiling gratefully.

“Fine,” muttered Roman.

“I don’t think we’re done talking,” said Robbie, yanking on Roman’s shoulder.

“You _asshole_-”

“Roman,” said Logan warningly, moving forward.

“What, Gage, leash too short for a little friendly shoving?”

Roman lunged, and Patton spoke before he could think about it.

“Roman, stop!”

Roman hit the floor.

Patton’s hand flew up to his mouth, horrified.

“I- I-”

“What the _fuck_?” spat Robbie.

Logan had grabbed Patton around his bicep. He squeezed gently.

“Patton,” he said firmly, “You need to tell him to wake up,”

“Oh my god, I think you killed him,” someone said, shrill. Patton felt like the ceiling was caving in.

“_Patton_,” said Logan, “I understand you are distressed but you need to _listen to me_, tell him to wake up,”

But Patton couldn’t speak – he tried, but his mouth just opened and closed, silent.

“_Patton!_” shouted Logan.

“Stop yelling at me!”

Logan’s hand slapped over his mouth.

“W-wait-” said Patton, “No, Lo, honey I didn’t mean it-”

But his voice was swallowed up like the air around him was a vacuum, and then his mouth was moving without any input from him at all.

“_Stop_,”

Logan collapsed.

_No, no, nonono, I didn’t mean to-_

“Freak!”

“Oh my god he _killed_ them-”

_Wake up, tell them to wake up, TALK, say SOMETHING-_

“Stop,”

And Robbie went down.

_No, NO, it was an accident, I didn’t mean to-_

“_Stop,”_

_Mickey Talbot._

“_Stop,”_

_Lila Quickel_

“_Stop, stop, stop,”_

_Emile, Remy, Elliot-_

“_Stop,”_

_Momma, momma please, please wake up-_

“Patton! _Patton_, babe, you gotta wake up!”

Patton shot up so fast he cracked his forehead against Roman’s, who yelped and lurched backwards. He reached for Patton, but Patton had to get away from him because Patton was _dangerous-_

He scrambled back, jamming his shoulders into something hard and twisting to drag himself past the obstacle.

“Patton, _wait!”_

Patton was still half-blind with sleep but he managed to get over whatever was in his way and then-

And then he was airborne, for the briefest moment, and then there were arms around him, holding him firm against someone’s chest.

“_No!_” Patton shouted, trying to break Virgil’s hold.

“Patton,” said Virgil, gentle and heartbroken but too close, _too close-_“Patton, beloved, please, you’re going to _hurt yourself-”_

Patton might has well have been wrestling a statue for all Virgil’s grip wavered.

“It was only a dream, Patton,” came Roman’s desperate voice from somewhere above them.

A dream. A dream.

Patton’s breath was still coming in huge gasps, ragged and whistling, but he managed to look up.

Roman was leaning over the wall of the truck bed, holding a slightly wide-eyed and very tense Logan against him. Virgil and Patton were on the ground.

He was fine. Roman was fine and so was Logan, they were right there and not- and not-

Only a dream. A dream that was over.

Patton’s brain had caught up to the waking world, but his lungs didn’t seem to have gotten the memo. He reached to clutch at his chest.

“His inhaler,” said Virgil, and there the sound of scrambling in the truck bed. One of them tossed it over the side and Virgil caught it out of the air, holding it out gently.

But Patton couldn’t seem to stop sobbing long enough to hold the medicine in his lungs.

Gritting his teeth in frustration, Patton spat the words out before he could stop himself.

“_Stop crying_,”

Virgil flinched underneath him, and over his head Roman made a wounded noise, but Patton’s tears dried up almost instantly.

No longer sobbing, he managed to get through the process. He lowered the inhaler, fiddling with it in his lap and refusing to make eye contact with any of them.

He felt like he’d been scraped hollow, like a pumpkin. The swollen pressure behind his eyes felt far away, like someone else was feeling it for him.

“Pat,” sighed Virgil. Patton angled himself away from him as much as he could while Virgil still had ahold of him.

Virgil stood, like he barely even noticed Patton’s weight. Roman reached over the side and Virgil passed Patton over to him.

Roman situated himself with Patton in his lap while Virgil climbed back over the side into the nest of pillows and blankets they’d made in the back of the truck. Patton pulled at the hem of Roman’s shirt until he could slide his hand underneath.

“Uh, Patton, I don’t think-”

Patton placed his palm over Roman’s heart, and let out a shuddering breath.

“…Oh,”

They sat quiet for a few minutes, until Patton had gone limp and a sort of numb all over, but on the inside. Logan had one hand on Patton’s back, and Virgil was down by his feet with a hand wrapped around Patton’s ankle, running his thumb back and forth.

“Do you want to tell me what you dreamed about, my sweet?” said Roman softly.

Patton let out a short puff of breath, opening his mouth to speak.

“I-”

But the sound of his voice was like getting slapped in the face – it echoed in Patton’s head, ringing and cold and _dangerous_, and Roman so close and so easy to hurt if Patton stopped paying attention for even a second, and the words fled back down his throat.

But the order held and Patton didn’t cry – just took several shaking inhales, and shook his head against Roman’s shoulder. He tapped his mouth.

“Can you talk?”

Another shake of his head.

Logan moved behind him, crawling around the two of them until he was in front of Patton and taking his hands.

“Can you sign it for us, starlight?”

And now Patton felt like a _jerk, _because Logan must be _really _emotional if he was calling Patton _that_ outside of kissing him.

Patton pinched his eyebrows and thought it over.

Logan and Patton had only been learning sign for a month or two, and Roman and Virgil much less than that. It was slow going, because they were teaching themselves as well as the other two, but it had already helped Logan a couple times.

Patton took his still slightly shaking hands back.

He didn’t know the sign for dream, so he spelled it out with one hand. He pointed towards his own chest, and two taps to his chin with his index finger, and brought his left hand down sharp to his right palm.

_In the dream I said stop._

And then slipped his hand back to Roman’s chest.

“You said ‘stop’ in the dream?” Logan confirmed, and Patton nodded as Roman went tense underneath him.

“… To Roman?” Logan prompted gently.

Patton’s breath hitched, but the order still held, and he nodded.

Roman lifted his hand and placed it over Patton’s through his shirt. He pressed a soft kiss to Patton’s forehead.

“I am sure that was very frightening,” said Logan gently, “But it was not real. Roman is very much alive and unharmed. And you know how to remedy it if you do accidentally say it, correct?”

Patton nodded.

Logan seemed to understand Patton didn’t actually feel better and frowned, taking Patton’s free hand and smoothing his fingers over the back of Patton’s palm several times, sighing.

“And the emotional numbness? Is it receding yet?” he said quietly.

Patton turned his head, shamefaced and mortified, hiding in Roman’s chest. He pinched his fingers together weakly.

Logan’s frown deepened.

“You can’t keep doing that, Patton,” said Roman.

Patton fumbled for the signs, but he didn’t know them. Painstakingly slow, he spelled it out.

I H-A-D T-O

“Which is precisely why you are not supposed to do it,” said Logan desperately.

White had explained it to Patton, more tense than Patton had ever seen her, before or since.

The more he used it calm himself, or force himself to feel happy when he didn’t, the more reliant on it he’d become. Every time he cut off a bad feeling, it would be worse the next time he felt it, because emotions were _chemicals_ and all Patton was doing was backing them up in his system.

You couldn’t _really_ just _stop_ feeling something. All you could do was put it off until later. And Patton had been putting off almost all his bad emotions for _so long_. They were nearly unbearable now.

He couldn’t keep going around them. He had to go through.

But it was so _hard._

Patton bit his lip, pulling hand from Logan’s grip and making a circle on his chest with his fist.

_I’m sorry._

Logan shook his head, taking Patton’s hand back and kissing it.

“I understand it is difficult for you to calm yourself naturally,” said Logan. He sounded absolutely miserable.

He smiled sadly.

“But you are trying,” he continued, “And that is admirable,”

The compulsion gave out under the weight of Patton’s regret and sorrow and just how much he_ loved _Logan in that moment, and the tears pilled over his eyes.

Roman crooned wordlessly into Patton’s hair, gently moving him while Logan and Virgil maneuvered around them, until Patton was in the center of all of them while they gentled him through the worst of his sobs.

And for the first time in years, Patton cried until he couldn’t anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm also [ tulipscomeinallsortsofcolors ](tulipscomeinallsortsofcolors.tumblr.com) over on tumblr!!


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